Author: robynvanderzee

WHEN BELIEF’S SEEM REAL !

When unhelpful beliefs are formed at a time of deep grief or trauma they seem real and believable, e.g. “its my fault, I should have stopped that or prevented that, or “it happened to me because I am bad or that there is something I did to deserve this”. Even though a trauma belief may seem real because it is linked with strong emotions of grief etc it doesnt mean they are helpful or rational. For good mental health we need to assess whether our thoughts are both: Helpful Truthful – would most people have the same opinion and If you are a Christian does your belief – line up with scripture. (Sometimes this is obvious such as the belief ‘I am bad” does not line up with Genisis that says God made us good) , but other times due to incorrect interpretations of scriptures such as ones on submission to leadership, husbands etc and scriptures about divorce this is more complex. I have put numerous articles on my facebook page regarding these issues, so I suggest you have a brouse of these articles.

INFORMATION FOR WORKING WITH GRIEF/TRAUMA

Reactions and responses occur from grief/ trauma in a number of ways.  Thus the goal or aim of therapy with grief or trauma is to gain Core Self empowerment and work through unhelpful responses and reactions. That is not to underestimate an issue, grief or trauma or devalue your story, for the effectiveness of therapy it’s important to NOT FOCUS ON what has happened or is happening in particular situations, but rather how it may have impacted your reactions to it, so that you may be able to choice different core beliefs, reactions and responses. Such choices that will empower you include:

  • Beliefs, mindsets, core schemas (core self beliefs, see below) – challenging these and choosing to unhook from unhelpful thoughts and thinking patterns, even though you may believe that are real or valid. 
  • Mindfulness – being mindfully aware of what you are thinking and whether this is helpful or unhelpful, and whether such thoughts are contributing to negative emotional symptoms and reactions. Then choosing to let go of unhelpful thoughts, again even though you may think they are real or valid. Refocusing on a more helpful/healthy thought, even if it may not seem true. Also just enjoying the moment – eg. smelling the roses, enjoying a garden, nature, looking at the sunset, taking a pleasant walk, doing something enjoyable, that you personally enjoy and focusing your attention to it.

 Being mindfully aware of emotional responses  in your body etc, and paying attention to your breathing, slowing your emotional responses with, deep breathing, thought stopping and challenging the belief that is driving the emotion. (see above).

  • Behavioural patterns, e.g. detachment, overcontrol, hypervigilence, addictions, relationship patterns and responses, e.g. withdrawing, people pleasing, co-dependency, or blaming others. Whilst these self protective mechanisms and self protective stances, whist helpful for trauma/grief are not helpful for everyday life and can reproduce or replicate more traumas. – mindfully be aware of and respectfully, decommission or deactivate as appropriate overactive self protective stances.

Thus, the goal of change is not focused on “what has happened” or what “memories” are there that need to be remembered. Whilst this is not to discount anyone’s story or experience, I cannot understate the importance of not being situation or events focused but rather be particularly belief focused, that is what you are believing and living out of .

Some examples of Unhelpful Core Beliefs or schemas that may have been developed through grief/trauma, but which will need to be challenged (even though they may emotionally seem true) are:

  • I have not achieved enough am not achieving enough, good enough, attractive enough, smart enough etc.
  • Victim thinking – self pity – but I am a victim of …………………………….. my like would be different if …………………..didnt happen or if it weren’t for ……………………………………

 

  • I deserve to be punished, I am stupid, I am a loser. There is something wrong with me, I have done bad things therefore I am bad, flawed
  • I am responsible for others or if things go wrong
  • I need to just get over it, I should be over this by now, should be further along than I am
  • I am alone – people aren’t there for me. I will stay alone
  • If only others supported me better
  • I need other people’s approval, I need to not be rejected – I won’t cope if I am
  • I won’t be able to cope, I can’t cope with… Won’t be able to do that
  • I need …………(food, money, status, alcohol, or others acceptance, approval) in order to cope
  • This should never have happened, bad things should never happen.
  • I need others to acknowledge what they have done/done to me
  • Its my …husbands, exs……parents……fault I am like this. It was what they did to me that I am like this.

Whilst, I this does not suggest what may have happened is not right at all (or that you may need to put significant boundaries in place with abusive people) or that these beliefs may emotionally seem true and valid due to life experiences they can be a grief/ trauma perspective which in turn can keep you stuck in grief/trauma responses, roles and experiences.  This is also not to suggest that all of your emotions, particularly gut discernment emotions are not to be trusted. It does though suggest that trauma related beliefs need to be assessed as to how helpful they are for your current life.

EXPERIENCE – EMOTIONS – BELIEFS – EMOTIONS – BELIEFS – DECISIONS – FURTHER EXPERIENCES – your beliefs and mindsets influence further experiences in the present. Thus, in order to make the best gains from therapy,  it is important that in between therapy sessions that you begin to be mindfully aware of the unhelpful schemas/beliefs, unhelpful or rigid thinking you may be inadvertently utilising and stuck in and be willing to change this acknowledging that this is a process.

Hence, the overall goal or aim of change is primarily to challenge and change learnt thinking patterns, and responses which can be unlearnt or relearnt, challenging sometimes deeply held emotionally linked schemas or beliefs/mindsets and self-protective mechanisms.

For Christians this is “taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ”  and“Being transformed by the renewing of your mind”.God has fortunately given us a brain/mind with an ability to make choices as to what we believe, no matter what our circumstances are or have been, its still a choice as to what thinking we will function out of which in turn influences how we feel and thus our mental health.  This is true even though beliefs formed in trauma “feel” correct, the issue is whether they are healthy and helpful or not.

INCREASING SELF ESTEEM Research indicates that people with low self esteem are often very self critical of themselves produced by their own internal self-critic. This self-critical dialogue can take the form of self-critical statements such as: “I’m no good” “I’m useless” “I’m dumb, I’m stupid” “I’m hopeless” “No one will want me” – as a partner or friend “No one will like me” “I cant cope” I shouldn’t have done that These self critical statements create a feeling of anxiety, despair, hopelessness and depression. In order to overcome this unhelpful mental habit 1. Learn how and why these thoughts are distorted thinking patterns. It if helps write these down in a journal. 2. Practice challenging the distorted thinking patterns and developing more healthy self talk and self affirming thinking patterns. 3. Train yourself to recognise and not listen to the self critical thoughts as they go through your mind. Instead let these thoughts go (after all they are just thoughts not facts), rather than buying into them or getting hooked or caught up in them. The good thing is that no matter what your circumstances are, past circumstances have been, you can change your self esteem, Self esteem is dependent upon how you view yourself and what you say to yourself and thus this can change.